GWAR vs the crystal gems
by gojirules
Summary: the crystal gems square off with the most dangerous band in rock n' roll history


ukelele guy : oh here's a story that , should be told , it's kinda new , not very old , i bring you now to the cookie cat radio show , so put your life on hold as this adventure unfououououlds  
singers : the cookie CAAAAAAAAAT  
announcer : at a time and a place for 4 reasons , forgal local cookie cat band with a accordian , space beings make it their 5th preformance on the cookie cat radio show , the host of the cookie cat radio show , bow tie wearing , horn rimmed glasses sporting , anton makon , hook on while space beings strike up another tune  
song : youuuuuu sure showed me that the 1 de party life ma ne youuuuuu sure showed me that the 1 de party life ma ne  
announcer : but suddenly out of nowhere , a force disrupts and a foulrific smell fills the air and a evil cackle fills the air  
oderus urungus : hahahahaha , youuuuuuu sure showed me that i , oderus urungus , the lead singer of GWAR , could conquer the earth so easilyyyy hahaha  
announcer : ahh kids stop drop and roll , run for the emergency shelters for the vengance of GWAR has been unleashed , i repeat , the vengance of GWAR has been unleashed , now kids for all those who are unaware , GWAR are a outcast group of space marauder aliens , short tempered and blood-thirsty from the lowest ranks of filth , these antarctic demigods of disaster were banished to earth millions of years ago to pay for colossal crimes , raping an pillaging from a short plaste , cutting a swath through the entertainment world , mutilating and traumatizing millions , plotting and soon to dominate the world (random scream) with all this in mind , cookie cat intern johnson confronts the scabby , mutated , grotesque , analmorph , grippling , clawed aliens of death  
johnson : excuse me , hello , mr. GWAR , uh , i'm gonna have to ask you to leave , there's just too many people in the radio studio , and this wasn't cleared with station management  
announcer : anton tells space beings to strike up another tune , space beings do so  
song : so tired of carryin' your backs all day  
announcer : meanwhile , GWAR's short tempered oderus urungus is furious and unleashes a almighty evil force  
oderus urungus : DAAAAAAAAAG , HOW DARE THEE NOT BOW BEFORE THE ALMIGHTY GWAR (random scream) , haha , you dare to show disrespect to your savior , oderus , then you shall feel the tortality of my heartless wrath , chained to a solitude of pain  
bonesnapper : on your knees , you miserable little freaks  
announcer : sensing there might be a problem arising , quick witted and in your face dallas manton takes a stand for his brother  
dallas : yo man , since you're always too dumbass ugly , i ain't even gonna try to win you always with my love horns , oh , well , maybe , i can try a little new jingle , music please  
song : oderus and , uh beefcake , and pustulus , and jizmak , sexecutioner , bonesnapper , and don't forget their manager , sleazy p. martini , but the ugliest of GWAR of them all , is the take on the mighty kemar , they're GWAR , yep , they're GWAR  
oderus urungus : SHUT UP , SHUT IT , knee , you , shall , pay , gravely , AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH  
announcer : oderus raises his 2 handed sword in retaliation when dallas , of course , interrupts  
dallas : well , we're about to be rescued , saved by , like , ya know , a force more powerful than you power ranger wannabes , say like the mighty superhero of sorts who can like right wrongs , allow justice prevail , how 'bout , space beings , hit it boys  
song : here's a story in the buckle of fear , about 2 cats and a couple of tangerines  
oderus urungus : you call yourselves space beings , it's going to be easier to conquer this planet than i thought , he , he , ha , ho , ho  
space beings : oh please no  
(zombies march heard in the background)  
announcer : while the almighty GWAR brings the wrath of zombies march , the cookie cat intern markie escapes into the background , and escapes the company through the backdoor , he races into the surrounding area  
(a few months later)  
markie : i must get help , GWAR just ate space beings , why couldn't they eat that new intern james , somehow i must stop the evil GWAR in it's tracks , they wanna take over the world , even worse , they wanna take over cookie cat co. , and that means no more cookie cats or internal pres of the day , i must get help , but who is powerful enough to take me back to my cookie cat happy land  
garnet : take me back to my happy land  
markie : garnet , is that you  
garnet : i was so life's biggest fan  
markie : the crystal gems' leader  
garnet : take me back to my happy land  
markie : shut up  
garnet : why hello cookie cat intern markie , why so glum , could you possibly use a crystal stick , they're full of that zippin' energy that'll keep you going throughout the day  
markie : the cookie cat company's in trouble  
garnet : oh yeah , we heard about the stop of sales , so what happened , run out of ingredients  
markie : no , GWAR took over the company , i think they're gonna broadcast signals of destruction and take over the world  
garnet : shed no tears , young sweet markie , doesn't the cookie cat radio signal only reack a couple of miles in each direction , that is , when the wind is blowing just right , hahahaha  
markie : well that was true for a while , but now , there's talk of international syndication of the cookie cat radio show , so GWAR will be able to transmit , and conquer the world  
garnet : ooh , it's worse than i thought , so , what do ya want from me  
markie : what do ya mean what do ya want from me , isn't that what the crystal gems are all about , saving worlds from interplanetarty slavery , facing new perils , righting wrongs , prevailing over villainy and scoundrels  
garnet : well , that pretty much just applies to our own beloved hometown of beach city  
markie : but GWAR is gonna take over the world  
garnet : ooh , a giant eye almost did that once , so , how much are you offering  
markie : ya mean i have to pay you money to save the world of cookie cat  
garnet : well of course , crystals and fuel don't come cheap these days , let's see , for 5th de niro essay , the crystal gems can turn GWAR into laich a day powder , or for a small finder's fee , i can distract GWAR with a audition for the next spiderman movie  
markie : but i don't have any money  
garnet : well , then , with that kinda motivation , you can probably get joy jet  
(random music is heard)  
announcer : in a act of desperation , markie attempts to generate turns of which the crystal gems can relate  
markie : think of the merchandising possibilities , GWAR vs. the crystal gems , t-shirts , patches , stickers , ... action figures  
garnet : action figures , hmm , ok essay , now you're talkin'  
announcer : garnet reaches toward the sky and gives the crystal gem hand signal and begins to sing the crystal gem theme song  
(crystal gem theme song is heard in the background)  
garnet : i , garnet , leader and challenger of all darkness , request the crystal gem roll call , ready , begin  
pearl : pearl , the brains and strategy , and spear wielder  
amethyst : amethyst , party animal and whip wielder (cracks whip)  
steven : steven , new member and shiels , though i don't know how to summon it  
announcer : so the crystal powered , weapon summoning , and gem embedded crystal gems march to the cookie cat company building to meet the challenge of GWAR  
(metal music is heard in the background)  
garnet : can you see anything pearl  
pearl : yes , uhh , they're torturing them , they're making up puddle down breakdams , without cardboard , and , anton makon , they've taken away his horn rimmed glasses  
garnet : that's not so bad , he can still see without his glasses  
pearl : but , but now he has no identity  
garnet : oh , the horror , hmm , i know i'm garnet , the almighty leader of the crystal gems , but do we have a plan , pearl  
pearl : yes , let's distract them , with cookie cat intern markie  
garnet : ya mean have markie walk into the lion's den , right into the line of fire where danger lurks around almost every corner , markie will never go for it  
pearl : now markie , is , a temporary crystal gem , he's setting his money , so tell him where all the other temporary gems are doing  
garnet : ohh , peer pressure , i like it , now i know why they call you the intelligent 1 , you crystal heavy low machine (laughter is heard)  
announcer : so the crystal gems send in intern markie with a plan  
oderus urungus : the almighty GWAR will feast in honor of it's victory over the cookie cat food chain , let's hear it guys  
all GWARriors : HAAAAAYY  
oderus urungus : now , roast those interns , brown that albino , garnish the feast with parsley , feed my ever swelling giant maggot , let the vomit launch victory fest begin  
all GWARriors : HAAAAAYYuuhh  
announcer : GWAR's blood thirst drep orgy is disrupted by the sudden appearence of cookie cat intern markie and geminite , a crystal being that spreads good will in crystal products  
markie : if ya like something good for breakfast , and ya like to eat the food that keeps on giving , why not eat a magic crystal  
oderus urungus : the only magic thing about a crystal is that you can smash it to bits and , what up , you're a geek , with crystal dust , all over your hands  
announcer : oderus casts a scabbing and scabbing blood thirst arms and attempts to smash the crystal being when suddenly and without warning , the crystal gem leader , garnet punches in the cookie cat company door , followed by pearl , and amethyst and steven filter in to the company to face the almighty GWAR  
garnet : i know beating and battering down the cookie cat company front door isn't in accord with our official handbook of cookie cat conduct , but the crystal gems sure know how to make a grand entrance , and 1st things 1st , we've come to save the crystal being  
(wacky music is heard in the background)  
oderus urungus : hahaha , huhah ho , you dare enter the forbidden zone of my new conquest , and the best thing they could sing about is a damn , crystal , with a guinea hat  
garnet : hey , you don't hear the crystal gems insulting your , big , jerky dinosaur gor gor , do you , haha , but i see your point , and i raise you 2 fold , or even billfold , hit it guys , hit it crystal being , hit it markie , let's sing marauders to the tune of rachael  
song : maraud , maraud , maraud , there's a story that must be told , about the marauders that aren't so old , they got knives , and they got guns , they're not really , very fun , why , i don't know , but they're here , and ya know , ya better , run away in fear , why oh why does the planet have fear  
oderus urungus : HA , you think i'm going to eat you and then just be done with you , hahahahaha , i like to play with my food and it's tiny little miserable genitals , this 1 is called , crystalgemarama , with a battle cry go forth , which is to give the people what they want , and what the people want is sleazy p. martini to do this and not me , but since he's not here , i'm gonna talk to you about the senseless slaughter of the gutter slime which litters this nation for cash and prices , yes , cuz this is the show where people bet their lives to win something big , cuz when your life is , uh , you should just go buy scumdogs and listen to this , yeah , hello ms. crystal gem , nice to meet ya , smoke some crystal crack lately , how many crystal gems does it take to get dressed in the morning , 2 , 1 to cut the old fabric , and the other to put the crap on  
garnet : you evil evil oderus urungus , might think you can burn us with your el stupido insults , but what really burns my hinny is that you didn't say THE crystal gems , which is in my world a 200 dollar fine , you tour de scum , you think you're almighty , you think you can outnumber the crystal gems with your gwarriors and many slave pits , well , let it be known that there are 4 of us , and we're as strong , and as uppity as ever , get 'em , the crystal gems , get them , kill , do it again  
announcer : chaos and limotey breaks loose in the cookie cat company building , amethyst , the crystal gems' party animal , dropkicks GWAR's beefcake the mighty , garnet , the leader of the gems , darts for GWAR's leader , oderus urungus , and attempts to punch him in the face , oderus strikes his 2 handed sword across garnet's massive gauntlets , meanwhile , pearl , the smartest of the gems , jousts off with the big mouthed balsac the jaws of death , steven bouts it out with GWAR's pustulus maximus , who merely grabs him by the collar and slaps him around like a ragdoll , meanwhile , pearl has better luck with GWAR's bonesnapper , garnet attempts to take out oderus urungus , but oderus wamps over to the moving inginner , meanwhile , amethyst has better luck with the sexecutioner , and steven attempts to take out GWAR's jizmak da gusha , but jizmak attempts to smash him with his mighty hammer , and just when it seems that the crystal gems might overpower GWAR with their crystal powers , oderus urungus takes garnet hostage , and places his 2 handed sword to the crystal gem leader's throat , the other crystal gems , having already defeated a majority of their enemy , are shocked and shaken by this quick term of events , they are instantly taken down by the other gwarriors , their leader , garnet , is being pelted by GWAR's circumstance , not to mention the foulrific smell of oderus , and the gems begin thinking about how they're gonna end up , meanwhile , garnet is but seconds from a impending doom  
oderus urungus : hahahahaha , yes , i , the almighty oderus , the greatest gwarrior of them all , and my good friend , the , cuttlefish of cthulu , have the cookie cat company , the crystal gems , and the world at my mercy , once i rid the crystal gems of their leader , the crystal cracks , hahahaha , will fair no better than the lives spent in their doomed temple , there is no hope , but for a unconditional defeat , you shall no longer , be , crystal GEMS , for i shall hunt you down and eat you , like , crystal , meth , and your defeat , will be a slow and painful , defeat , because , before i slurp down the brains of your oh so great leader , i'm going to humiliate her , by removing her , tight , little , eye goggles , and reveal her true identity  
announcer : as oderus bumbles to degoggle garnet , pearl secretly schemes to save garnet , however , she is caught red handed by the sexecutioner , and oderus finds out , just as he is about to finish degoggling garnet , and oderus has the other gems painfully forced to view the humiliation of garnet  
oderus urungus : well , now that that's taken care of , let's kill these morons , that's right , crystal cracks , your time is through (the sound of steel penetrating flesh is heard in the background)  
announcer : immediately , the crystal gems are mutilated and dissected , and bonesnapper has the corpses loaded into GWAR's bat shaped airship  
bonesnapper : that's right , ya didn't think we'd beat you did you , well , we did , i'm talkin' to a dead body  
oderus urungus : yes , now , your pathetic crystal gems have been eliminated , and this pathetic planet is ours , now , you are to bow down before your masters , puny humans , and for all you bohabs out there , our mission is done , the world is now fully ours , so now , you can feel safe , knowing 1 of the biggest threats to our conquest of this planet is out of the way , feel free to go out and buy our merchandise , look cool in the streets , anyway , buy our new album battle maximus out on metal blade records , now we will leave this place and feast on the corpses of our enemies , and we leave you with a song from our new album , bloodbath  
(bloodbath plays in the background)  
(crying sounds are heard in the background)  
random citizen : it's over , the world is taken over , the human race is lost  
radio : kcxx , riverside , san berady


End file.
